The Chronicles of Novi (Chapter 1)

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Warlock
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The Chronicles of Novi (Chapter 1)

Postby Warlock » Fri Aug 15, 2014 3:04 pm

I told you this would turn into a fiction. Here is the Chronicles Of Novi. By me, Warlock.
Spoiler: show
The Novi Chronicles: Våltries’ Story

Novi. A beautiful planet said to be home to some of the most remarkable species in the world. Many islands have been discovered by the humans of the place, but people say that four islands hold the true meaning of life on this amazing planet. This book focuses on the life of a young fox named Våltries, who lives on the island of Mezaa. Little does he know the dangers and adventures that lie as a fox at 5.

A Fox at Birth


The vixen howled and growled as she pushed. The pain was so much for her that she almost stopped pushing altogether. But, as Alpha Female of the Pacers, she fought for herself to go on with the birth.

The vixen was a mystery to the other foxes of the pack. Only her mate, my own father, knew her name. No one even knew how old she was, or even her experiences as a hunter. All they knew was she was born a Forester, and was the Head Hunter of the Foresters. She has played a huge part in Mezaa's history. And pretty much the whole of Novi.

Mezaa was, and still is a small island. It is an island only inhabited by foxes and other animals which are harder to find. Most of the island is covered with desert sands, where the sun always beamed against the animal's fur and burned like a dragons breath. This was a worry to the Foresters, as they thought the hot sun would evaporate the rivers completely, leaving them with no food or anything to drink, as the fish would have died from the lack of water available. The rest of the island was covered in trees, fresh green grass, and the odd squirrel or two. Separating the two areas was the Heart Stone, an ancient relic which protected the island from an evil pack of demon wolves called the Dark ones, who could turn the purest of souls wicked. All of them were black with red patches all over, and everyone was scared of them.

A single river separated the island and the mountains, where many secrets lied, and much was still to be discovered. This was a popular place to sleep after a long day's play, and many were used for rest.

In the mean time, the young vixen pushed with all her might, fighting against the pain that struck her, until after a good hour or two, the babies finally popped out.

A girl and a boy, cute as could be, looked around to see their new world. They were almost blind, but could see just enough to have a vision of their mother for the first time.

"Congratulations, Alpha," said Willow, The Alpha of the Foresters. She was always rather serious, and barely ever smiled. But this special occasion allowed one little grin to slip through.

"Well, what are the pups' names?" Said a young fox. Her name was Star, and she was very little. She was a forester, and just a little pup. She had only just learned how to howl.

"The girl's name is Nova, and the boy is Våltries," answered the vixen.

That's me.
Last edited by Warlock on Thu Oct 23, 2014 11:39 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction)

Postby silent_ » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:31 pm

This story is actually pretty bad, sorry. However, I'll help. To start out, chapter 1 was too short, and honestly the opposite of enjoyable as everything escalates too quickly. Why not take a moment and explain the family, explain why there's demons, and stuff like that? And you need to add details. While I guess we all know what a fox looks like, a good start would be something like "I was a gentle fox with thick, brown fur with my parents" or something like that. We just need some peace and not brutality right at the beginning.

And to start quoting things...
Valtries the Fox wrote:I was there, you know.
That "you know" is sloppy and unnecessary.
Valtries the Fox wrote:The cloud
One cloud? And why does that one cloud appeal to him?
Valtries the Fox wrote:The demons out to get us
You need a "were" there, buddy.
Valtries the Fox wrote:The dond between us
I don't think anyone on this forum knows what a "dond" is.
Valtries the Fox wrote:We prayed and prayed that the demons wouldn't find us.
If you want to get technical, foxes can't pray.
Valtries the Fox wrote:But they did.
Don't start sentences with "but". Try something like "however" or "unfortunately, they did, though". Besides, you haven't used much transitional words yet. Try to add some to make your story more interesting.
Valtries the Fox wrote:But then I saw it.
You literally just had a sentence that began with "but" and you're using it again. Also, you could just say "then I saw it".
Valtries the Fox wrote:Literally. I saw an island. the demons were there.
You literally misused literally. And you forgot a capital "T" at the beginning of the "demons were there" sentence.
Valtries the Fox wrote:But I just watched. I watched as they tore her apart, biting and tearing off her flesh.
Don't start sentences with "but" even if you used a "..." before "but". And if I were a fox, I most certainly wouldn't have watched my mother die.
Valtries the Fox wrote:I waited and waited for hours but he never came back.
I think if he waited hours and hours, the demons would have made him nothing by now.
Valtries the Fox wrote:After running and running for two straight hours
There is no way a fox can run that long after already running a lot to find a hiding spot.
Valtries the Fox wrote:"Beta Talon!!!" I screamed.
and that was the day i learned to talk even if foxes can't talk :ugeek:

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction)

Postby Valentine » Fri Aug 15, 2014 6:20 pm

kep, i don't think common sense is necessary in fiction...
But i agree that there were a some grammar (or whatever, i don't actually mean grammar, i think it's called styling but i don't know) errors
oh also the story. It just feels like it starts in the middle of a (okay-ly written) book or something

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction)

Postby Warlock » Sat Aug 16, 2014 7:55 am

Yes, It's a W.I.P, and by the way, Kep, about the one cloud...

All will be revealed.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction)

Postby zioy » Mon Aug 18, 2014 10:51 am

The story was interesting, but the grammatical errors were a bit overwhelming. I personally like the way it starts. Explaining things can come afterwards....

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Warlock » Mon Aug 18, 2014 3:34 pm

Thanks for the critiques, guys.

Part 1 has been edited to fix any mistakes, and Part 2 will be out soon.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby silent_ » Mon Aug 18, 2014 3:43 pm

Another grammatical error:
Valtries the Fox wrote:Foresters was very strong
Don't use "was" after a plural noun.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Sevennights » Tue Aug 19, 2014 1:19 am

It was a decent read. It was not too bad. I'll give it a 7.8

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Warlock » Tue Aug 19, 2014 9:33 am

I believe that is a good score. Thank you.

I will wwite out Part 2 very soon, and here are a few details:

-This focuses on a fox that Valtries owes everything to

-The main event does not happen until Part 3

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby SMBXxer » Fri Aug 22, 2014 8:20 pm

Pretty good story but as everyone has said there are a few errors here and there.
Foxes can't talk btw.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Murphmario » Fri Aug 22, 2014 10:11 pm

SMBXxer wrote:Pretty good story but as everyone has said there are a few errors here and there.
Foxes can't talk btw.
The foxes are talking in fox. He just translated what they were saying to english.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby SMBXxer » Fri Aug 22, 2014 10:20 pm

Murphmario wrote:
SMBXxer wrote:Pretty good story but as everyone has said there are a few errors here and there.
Foxes can't talk btw.
The foxes are talking in fox. He just translated what they were saying to english.
...
oh
Alright then, carry on, my mistake.

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Warlock » Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:48 am

Thanks for all the help. And sorry for the bump, but I am happy to announce that this story is to be extended (Yay!)

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Zonnepoes » Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:52 am

Nice story! May contain a few grammar mistakes though...'
By the way.
Whats a dond?

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Re: The Island of Mezaa (Fiction) (Grammar fixed!!!)

Postby Warlock » Thu Oct 23, 2014 11:17 am

Zonnepoes wrote:Nice story! May contain a few grammar mistakes though...'
By the way.
Whats a dond?
It's a spelling mistake.

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Re: The Chronicles of Novi (Chapter 1)

Postby Warlock » Fri Oct 24, 2014 11:52 am

The story has been remastered! Hope you like the new read!


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