It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Mario, woke up in a pumpkin patch. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling excessively pleased, Mario punched a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved Cock was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Luigi. Mario had known Luigi for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were erotic ones. Luigi was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... demanding. Mario called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Luigi picked up to a very mad Mario. Luigi calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters belch before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually indiscriminately turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Mario. Why was Luigi trying to distract Mario? Because he had snuck out from Mario's pad with the Cock only ten days prior. It was a enchanting little Cock... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Mario got back to the subject at hand: his Cock. Luigi shuddered. Relunctantly, Luigi invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Cock. Mario grabbed his Lakitu's Cloud and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Luigi realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Cock and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Mario took the tricked out go kart, he had at least four minutes before Mario would get there. But if he took the Lakitu's Cloud? Then Luigi would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Luigi was interrupted by eight stupid Bowsers that were lured by his Cock. Luigi sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Frustrated, he reached for his ninja star and aggressively stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent - the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he saw the Lakitu's Cloud approaching. It was Mario.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Mario was out of the Lakitu's Cloud and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Luigi's front door. Meanwhile inside, Luigi was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Cock into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his rhinoceros. Luigi was exasperated but at least the Cock was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Luigi explosively purred. With a quick push, Mario opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive self-righteous ass in a magic flying carpet.' 'It's fine,' Luigi assured him. Mario took a seat exotically proximate to where Luigi had hidden the Cock. Luigi panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Mario was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Luigi noticed a annoying look on Mario's face. Mario slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that lovely smell?'
Luigi felt a stabbing pain in his chest when Mario asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Cock right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Mario's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet 3-legged goombas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mario nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Luigi could react, Mario lunged toward the box and opened it. The Cock was plainly in view.
Mario stared at Luigi for what what must've been five seconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Luigi groped wildly in Mario's direction, clearly desperate. Mario grabbed the Cock and bolted for the door. It was locked. Luigi let out an electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mario,' he rebuked. Luigi always had been a little selfish, so Mario knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Luigi did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his Cock tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Luigi looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mario. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mario. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Luigi walked over to the window and looked down. Mario was gone.
Just yonder, Mario was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Luigi's place. Mario had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Bowsers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Cock. One by one they latched on to Mario. Already weakened from his injury, Mario yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Bowsers running off with his Cock.
About eight hours later, Mario awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and Mario did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious haunted thicket, Mario was lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, he remembered that his Cock was taken by the Bowsers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Bowser emerged from the forest. It was the alpha Bowser. Mario opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Bowser sunk its teeth into Mario's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Mario's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, Luigi was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Cock. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Mario... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Cock that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Bowsers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.
END
