Spoiler: show
A not so long time ago (1987) in a place not so far away (the great slates of murica), there lived a tribe of people.
Their names? The Meskans. Among them were the worlds greatest crime-fighting negroid mongrels in the history of ever.
One day, a man who went by the name of "Falling Snow" visited. He's irrelevant as fuck so let's get to the actual storyline. This story is about a local Meskan and Drug Dealer.
Marcos Farontiendo.
We'll just call him Nien for short.
Nien grew weary of the current gang situation in Mesko as it wasn't a very good environment to raise children, and he certainly wouldn't want them to follow in his footsteps.
He doesn't have children anyway, so moving on...
Nien likes to talk to himself like this: "Hmmm, gosh golly darn, if I had anough money, I'd be outta this shitfuck faster'n a possum eatin' crabgrass. What in tarnation should I do? I know, I'll raise enough dough to get outta here and border-hop to Murica!"
And so, miraculously, Nien earns money from his deals to buy a car and haul ass to Murica. Nien finally crosses the border to FREEDOM CITY. Once there, he gets out to set up shop in the outskirts of the town.
SUDDENLY, HE MEETS A BLACK ASS DUDE WITH A BIG ASS FRO. His name? JALEEL D'SHAWN ANTOINIQUA JA'QEL KAPRICE ANDERSON, but we'll just call him Ignoritus. "What up, homie? You got some of that good shit on you?" Suddenly noticing Nien's tattered clothes and disheveled face,
"Oh shit, y'all motherfucker look like you crawl outta Mesko or some shit. Nigga".
"Y'all needa watch yer mouth, blackie. Back in my town, they trade y'all Afro-Murakens for new vidya games" Nien shouted, attempting to intimidate the Negro.
WHEN SUDDENLY, A FUCKING BOMB FALLS FROM THE MILK ADVERTISING BLIMP.
"OH SHIT N-" they died.
Nien opened his eyes.
Light poured in from the ceiling; he had been ressurected.
"Huh? I gosh dern thought I was about dead there."
"No" said a voice with a charming, light southern accent. "You are home. Welcome, Nien."
"How do y'all know me?"
"I am your uncle. The Uncle Sciz." The voice whispered.
"Uh?" Nien groaned.
"I guess now's the best time to explain. Back in '68, I was doing the unthinkable: Human creation without pregnancy! I was merely instructed to give life to corpses that had fallen in the several wars of the 60's, but that had changed when the corpses were given completely different personalities. It was like they were entirely different people. That would not work on you, though, for reasons I could not comprehend."
He paused.
"So I brought you back to life, and would like to ask for your aid. Would you help me find the reason why?"
"Gosh golly darn, Uncle Fizz, I sure would be glad to!" Nien bellowed.
"Sh-sh-shhhhh. You'll wake up my newest creation." Sciz pointed towards a jar with what appeared to be a large insect larvae in mountain dew and dorito crumbs. It appeared to be telekinetically playing with a Playstation XXVI.
Nien slowly walked towards it, peering at the glass in curiosity. He jumped back in defense as it quickly rotated to take a look at him with its big, googly black eyes.
"Hello!" it shouted happily. "I'm Fyrus, nice to meet you"!
It had awoken Ignoritus, and he stared in horror at the creature playing Persona 4 in outrageously dire 720p.
"W-wh" he attempted to get the words out of his mouth, but they couldn't escape.
He listened as the horrible creature moved the suckers it used for a mouth, and it screamed "Hello! I'm Fyrus! Pleased to meet you".
Ignoritus tried to escape, but then he felt a giant blow to his head and fell back to sleep.
Sciz went back to the closet to hang his giant "Mallet of Hooligan Mashing". He asked Nien if he had remembered anything about his past, but all Nien could remember was his days as a Meskan drug dealer.
"I'm givin' up on dealing. I came to the Slates to live a new life. As a foreign male prostitute."
Sciz suggested they go to the local bar, where he likes to sit and drink a couple of rounds after a long day of work. "It's on me" he said in that soothing voice of his.
At the bar, the keeper wouldn't let Nien have a drink without an ID, so Nien sat watching Sciz guzzle booze after booze after booze. "Golly, y'all sure can drink" he said in his dumb Meskan accent.
Nien then started to make conversation with the barkeeper. He addressed himself as The Drug Lord, Gengas Khon. "You's can call me Khon for shoit :^)".
JUST THEN, Ignoritus slammed the bar door open. "MOTHERFUCKER" he shouted at Sciz, "GOT MY OLDER BRO HERE TO FUCK Y'ALL NIGGAS UP LIKE WHAT THE SHIT IS YOUR ISSUE WITH THE FUCKIN' KIDNAPPING ME AND THE HAMMER"
A large, white man with a Navy jacket walked in. "That's y'all's brother? He's kinda... White, and you're kinda black as hell" Nien told Ignoritus.
"Fuckin' Meskans. Think they can come into OUR country and fuck up MY little brother? What a fucking piece of shit, flame flame, bitch bitch. Oh by the way my name is Falling Snow and I'm TOTALLY fucking relevant. Author's a fucking faggot shitter."
"Hey, cool it, dude. You're totally wrecking my mood" A random drinker uttered. He appeared to have drunken himself half to death. "You got a fucking problem, you little bitch ass cunt fuck?" Snow bellowed angrily.
"Yeah. You're my problem. What the fuck is your fucking issue, retard?" A short, napoleon-looking man next to the drunk dude angrily shouted. "Get the fuck out of here, you're useless. Just fucking leave."
Snow glared at the man, knowing his reputation around these parts. "Well what the fuck ever. You can't do fucking SHIT without your fucking balls." Snow ran away.
Khon laughed "What a primitive fella, that one. Bad guys all around these parts. Say, how's the Fyrus coming along, doc?"
Sciz looked sadly into Khon's eyes.
"He's becoming a console peasant."
Everyone stopped drinking and stared silently.
"Hey, forgetaboutit. Shit happens, y'know?" Khon tried to comfort him.
JUST THEN THE NAPOLEONIC MAN JUMPED ONTO THE TABLE
"NOW LOOK, RETARD, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE" He scolded Sciz. "AS IF WE DON'T HAVE FUCKING ENOUGH CONSOLE FAGS IN TOWN, YOU GO AND MAKE ANOTHER. WHAT THE FUCK EVER, I'M SO FUCKING DONE AND MOVING BACK TO IOWA."
"Dude, totally like port back to the mothership and bring me a pillow or something. I'm so fucking wiped out right now..."
"FUCK YOU RAGONT YOU CANT FUCKING HANDLE SHIT LIKE THIS WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THIS DUMPSHIT" he shouted. "We have to take these fucking matters into our own hands. I'M STARTING THE MOVE TO EXTERMINATE ALL CONSOLE PEASANTS FROM TOWN"
"Don't you's think ya goin' a bit overboard, qig?" Khon interrupted.
"FUCK OFF KHON, YOU NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME. IT IS TIME TO TIP THE SCALES, LET US FIGHT TOGETHER TO EXPUNGE THE CRIME THAT IS CONSOLE PEASANTRY."
"H-h-h-hooooooold up, motherfucker, y'all motherfucker's gon' tell me this shit with consoles ain't gon' fly roun' here no mo'?"
"No, Igno. No more Xbone, Playstation or even Wii U's in the city. It's going to be outlawed starting in a week" Sciz said.
"THIS SOME OL' BULLSHIT" Ignoritus said, expecting Khon to talk sense into Napoleon, but Khon merely stood silent.
"I'm going back to the mothership. Get your useless as- actually no, just drink yourself to death, you're way more useful that way." qig said to Ragont.
"What a bummer, whatever du-" he fell asleep.
"no GET UP GET THE FUCK UP WE HAVE WORK TO DO" qig scolds him as he drags him back to his mothership.
"Golly" Nien breaks the silence, "What are y'all gonna do about Fyrus, Sciz?"
Sciz sadly groans, "I guess I have to kill him off."
At the lab, Sciz takes out the great Katana of a thousand years, THE SUPA BAD DONDONEE. "Alright, Fyrus. I wish I didn't have to, but this looks like the end for you."
He looked into those big, glowing eyes and quietly whimpered "I'm sorry..."
The katana falls upon Fyrus's jar, but upon landing....
THE KATANA BREAKS INTO SHARDS AND FLIES ALL OVER THE WORLD
FYRUS BECOMES A MEGA MONSTER CREATURE AND SLAMS SCIZ AGAINST THE WALL, PUTTING HIM IN A COMA.
TO BE CONTINUED
Their names? The Meskans. Among them were the worlds greatest crime-fighting negroid mongrels in the history of ever.
One day, a man who went by the name of "Falling Snow" visited. He's irrelevant as fuck so let's get to the actual storyline. This story is about a local Meskan and Drug Dealer.
Marcos Farontiendo.
We'll just call him Nien for short.
Nien grew weary of the current gang situation in Mesko as it wasn't a very good environment to raise children, and he certainly wouldn't want them to follow in his footsteps.
He doesn't have children anyway, so moving on...
Nien likes to talk to himself like this: "Hmmm, gosh golly darn, if I had anough money, I'd be outta this shitfuck faster'n a possum eatin' crabgrass. What in tarnation should I do? I know, I'll raise enough dough to get outta here and border-hop to Murica!"
And so, miraculously, Nien earns money from his deals to buy a car and haul ass to Murica. Nien finally crosses the border to FREEDOM CITY. Once there, he gets out to set up shop in the outskirts of the town.
SUDDENLY, HE MEETS A BLACK ASS DUDE WITH A BIG ASS FRO. His name? JALEEL D'SHAWN ANTOINIQUA JA'QEL KAPRICE ANDERSON, but we'll just call him Ignoritus. "What up, homie? You got some of that good shit on you?" Suddenly noticing Nien's tattered clothes and disheveled face,
"Oh shit, y'all motherfucker look like you crawl outta Mesko or some shit. Nigga".
"Y'all needa watch yer mouth, blackie. Back in my town, they trade y'all Afro-Murakens for new vidya games" Nien shouted, attempting to intimidate the Negro.
WHEN SUDDENLY, A FUCKING BOMB FALLS FROM THE MILK ADVERTISING BLIMP.
"OH SHIT N-" they died.
Nien opened his eyes.
Light poured in from the ceiling; he had been ressurected.
"Huh? I gosh dern thought I was about dead there."
"No" said a voice with a charming, light southern accent. "You are home. Welcome, Nien."
"How do y'all know me?"
"I am your uncle. The Uncle Sciz." The voice whispered.
"Uh?" Nien groaned.
"I guess now's the best time to explain. Back in '68, I was doing the unthinkable: Human creation without pregnancy! I was merely instructed to give life to corpses that had fallen in the several wars of the 60's, but that had changed when the corpses were given completely different personalities. It was like they were entirely different people. That would not work on you, though, for reasons I could not comprehend."
He paused.
"So I brought you back to life, and would like to ask for your aid. Would you help me find the reason why?"
"Gosh golly darn, Uncle Fizz, I sure would be glad to!" Nien bellowed.
"Sh-sh-shhhhh. You'll wake up my newest creation." Sciz pointed towards a jar with what appeared to be a large insect larvae in mountain dew and dorito crumbs. It appeared to be telekinetically playing with a Playstation XXVI.
Nien slowly walked towards it, peering at the glass in curiosity. He jumped back in defense as it quickly rotated to take a look at him with its big, googly black eyes.
"Hello!" it shouted happily. "I'm Fyrus, nice to meet you"!
It had awoken Ignoritus, and he stared in horror at the creature playing Persona 4 in outrageously dire 720p.
"W-wh" he attempted to get the words out of his mouth, but they couldn't escape.
He listened as the horrible creature moved the suckers it used for a mouth, and it screamed "Hello! I'm Fyrus! Pleased to meet you".
Ignoritus tried to escape, but then he felt a giant blow to his head and fell back to sleep.
Sciz went back to the closet to hang his giant "Mallet of Hooligan Mashing". He asked Nien if he had remembered anything about his past, but all Nien could remember was his days as a Meskan drug dealer.
"I'm givin' up on dealing. I came to the Slates to live a new life. As a foreign male prostitute."
Sciz suggested they go to the local bar, where he likes to sit and drink a couple of rounds after a long day of work. "It's on me" he said in that soothing voice of his.
At the bar, the keeper wouldn't let Nien have a drink without an ID, so Nien sat watching Sciz guzzle booze after booze after booze. "Golly, y'all sure can drink" he said in his dumb Meskan accent.
Nien then started to make conversation with the barkeeper. He addressed himself as The Drug Lord, Gengas Khon. "You's can call me Khon for shoit :^)".
JUST THEN, Ignoritus slammed the bar door open. "MOTHERFUCKER" he shouted at Sciz, "GOT MY OLDER BRO HERE TO FUCK Y'ALL NIGGAS UP LIKE WHAT THE SHIT IS YOUR ISSUE WITH THE FUCKIN' KIDNAPPING ME AND THE HAMMER"
A large, white man with a Navy jacket walked in. "That's y'all's brother? He's kinda... White, and you're kinda black as hell" Nien told Ignoritus.
"Fuckin' Meskans. Think they can come into OUR country and fuck up MY little brother? What a fucking piece of shit, flame flame, bitch bitch. Oh by the way my name is Falling Snow and I'm TOTALLY fucking relevant. Author's a fucking faggot shitter."
"Hey, cool it, dude. You're totally wrecking my mood" A random drinker uttered. He appeared to have drunken himself half to death. "You got a fucking problem, you little bitch ass cunt fuck?" Snow bellowed angrily.
"Yeah. You're my problem. What the fuck is your fucking issue, retard?" A short, napoleon-looking man next to the drunk dude angrily shouted. "Get the fuck out of here, you're useless. Just fucking leave."
Snow glared at the man, knowing his reputation around these parts. "Well what the fuck ever. You can't do fucking SHIT without your fucking balls." Snow ran away.
Khon laughed "What a primitive fella, that one. Bad guys all around these parts. Say, how's the Fyrus coming along, doc?"
Sciz looked sadly into Khon's eyes.
"He's becoming a console peasant."
Everyone stopped drinking and stared silently.
"Hey, forgetaboutit. Shit happens, y'know?" Khon tried to comfort him.
JUST THEN THE NAPOLEONIC MAN JUMPED ONTO THE TABLE
"NOW LOOK, RETARD, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE" He scolded Sciz. "AS IF WE DON'T HAVE FUCKING ENOUGH CONSOLE FAGS IN TOWN, YOU GO AND MAKE ANOTHER. WHAT THE FUCK EVER, I'M SO FUCKING DONE AND MOVING BACK TO IOWA."
"Dude, totally like port back to the mothership and bring me a pillow or something. I'm so fucking wiped out right now..."
"FUCK YOU RAGONT YOU CANT FUCKING HANDLE SHIT LIKE THIS WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THIS DUMPSHIT" he shouted. "We have to take these fucking matters into our own hands. I'M STARTING THE MOVE TO EXTERMINATE ALL CONSOLE PEASANTS FROM TOWN"
"Don't you's think ya goin' a bit overboard, qig?" Khon interrupted.
"FUCK OFF KHON, YOU NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME. IT IS TIME TO TIP THE SCALES, LET US FIGHT TOGETHER TO EXPUNGE THE CRIME THAT IS CONSOLE PEASANTRY."
"H-h-h-hooooooold up, motherfucker, y'all motherfucker's gon' tell me this shit with consoles ain't gon' fly roun' here no mo'?"
"No, Igno. No more Xbone, Playstation or even Wii U's in the city. It's going to be outlawed starting in a week" Sciz said.
"THIS SOME OL' BULLSHIT" Ignoritus said, expecting Khon to talk sense into Napoleon, but Khon merely stood silent.
"I'm going back to the mothership. Get your useless as- actually no, just drink yourself to death, you're way more useful that way." qig said to Ragont.
"What a bummer, whatever du-" he fell asleep.
"no GET UP GET THE FUCK UP WE HAVE WORK TO DO" qig scolds him as he drags him back to his mothership.
"Golly" Nien breaks the silence, "What are y'all gonna do about Fyrus, Sciz?"
Sciz sadly groans, "I guess I have to kill him off."
At the lab, Sciz takes out the great Katana of a thousand years, THE SUPA BAD DONDONEE. "Alright, Fyrus. I wish I didn't have to, but this looks like the end for you."
He looked into those big, glowing eyes and quietly whimpered "I'm sorry..."
The katana falls upon Fyrus's jar, but upon landing....
THE KATANA BREAKS INTO SHARDS AND FLIES ALL OVER THE WORLD
FYRUS BECOMES A MEGA MONSTER CREATURE AND SLAMS SCIZ AGAINST THE WALL, PUTTING HIM IN A COMA.
TO BE CONTINUED
Spoiler: show
Nien had been allowed to stay at Khon's Inn. He awoke the next morning to the sounds of cop cars and a few ambulances.
According to eyewitnesses, the Fyrus had gone on a rampage, tearing the city apart and leaving the scientist who created him in a coma.
"Gosh, what am I gonna do now? My boss is dead" Nien dumbly said. JUST THEN, A FUCKING THING FALLS FROM SPACE AND CRASH LANDS INTO KHON'S BAR.
"WHADDA FUCK" Khon shouts loudly.
"...An escape pod?" a citizen wonders.
"No, it can't be. The only space pods out here are from the cop's motherships, and this one looks to be a completely different model." Another citizen corrects.
The pod opens, and out comes a man in a gleaming space suit with a tag that reads
"THE UNCLE SCIZ, LORD OF THE INTERGALACTIC JUNGLE".
"Hey guys, I'm back from the future." He says nonchalantly.
They stare at him. Then they glance back at the comatose scientist. Then back at him. And back to the corpse. And back to him, and back.
"This some ol' BULL SHIT" Ignoritus exclaims out of nowhere, shattering the silence. Sciz took out his plasma rifle and blasted his 'fro, setting it on fire.
"OH SHIT, OH SHIT, ON FIRE NIGGA" Igno screams, "SHIT, SHIT, JESUS, THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BOOTLEG HAIR GEL, AWWWWWWWWWWWW"
Snow slams him to the ground and douses the fire with one massive, veiny fist.
Sciz begins, "Look, I know this may sound crazy, but in about 10 years this entire sector will erupt in an all-out war. That is, if you guys get the technology required to fight, otherwise this city's going to get plowed to the dirt."
Just then, a giant dinosaur steps out of the pod. "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you" it says.
A silence, and everyone stares in horror. The creature personally walks over and greets everyone.
To Nien, "Hello, I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
To Igno, "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
To Snow, whom he towered over "I am Fyrus, pleased to meet you."
To Khon, "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
To mayor Valtteri, "I am Fyrus."
To the coppers, "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
Sudden awe filled the crowd.
"What the fuck is that thing?" Qig questioned out of nowhere.
"That there is one of the last ferretsaurus, and the creature I bred in a lab years ago, Fyrus. We're from 25 years in the future" Sciz answered.
"Nice to meet you" it said.
"Search the pod. Keep these two available for questioning" Qig commanded his suboordinates.
Ragont went over to cuff the both of them "and doooon't try getting out of these ones, dudes, they're pure titanium or some shit."
Officer K'nuckles spoke suddenly, "Oi lads, I foun' somethin' tha' mite be o' bloody interest."
It was a journal entitled "FIVE MAN JUNGLE JAM, SCIZ'S ADVENTURES IN THE OUTER GALAXY."
"Give it to me. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW COME ON FUCKING GO" qig shouted. "and put my helmet on."
K'nuckles takes the book, and grabs a rather large motorcycling helmet, almost two sizes too big.
Sciz suddenly remembers, "That's right, I need all the pieces of my great katana, the SUPA BAD DONDONEE. Have you guys seen any of 'em?"
"Sometin' mighta fallin' in my house last night" Khon told him.
"Oh good! Ye- good good good we'll need that!" Sciz shouts happily. "Find them for me and bring them to the lab when you can! I'll try and fix this mess in no time."
The cops drag him to the mothership for an interrogation session. With rather large whips.
THEN A FUCKING THING HITS FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TOWn
FUCKING TO BE CONTINUED
According to eyewitnesses, the Fyrus had gone on a rampage, tearing the city apart and leaving the scientist who created him in a coma.
"Gosh, what am I gonna do now? My boss is dead" Nien dumbly said. JUST THEN, A FUCKING THING FALLS FROM SPACE AND CRASH LANDS INTO KHON'S BAR.
"WHADDA FUCK" Khon shouts loudly.
"...An escape pod?" a citizen wonders.
"No, it can't be. The only space pods out here are from the cop's motherships, and this one looks to be a completely different model." Another citizen corrects.
The pod opens, and out comes a man in a gleaming space suit with a tag that reads
"THE UNCLE SCIZ, LORD OF THE INTERGALACTIC JUNGLE".
"Hey guys, I'm back from the future." He says nonchalantly.
They stare at him. Then they glance back at the comatose scientist. Then back at him. And back to the corpse. And back to him, and back.
"This some ol' BULL SHIT" Ignoritus exclaims out of nowhere, shattering the silence. Sciz took out his plasma rifle and blasted his 'fro, setting it on fire.
"OH SHIT, OH SHIT, ON FIRE NIGGA" Igno screams, "SHIT, SHIT, JESUS, THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BOOTLEG HAIR GEL, AWWWWWWWWWWWW"
Snow slams him to the ground and douses the fire with one massive, veiny fist.
Sciz begins, "Look, I know this may sound crazy, but in about 10 years this entire sector will erupt in an all-out war. That is, if you guys get the technology required to fight, otherwise this city's going to get plowed to the dirt."
Just then, a giant dinosaur steps out of the pod. "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you" it says.
A silence, and everyone stares in horror. The creature personally walks over and greets everyone.
To Nien, "Hello, I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
To Igno, "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
To Snow, whom he towered over "I am Fyrus, pleased to meet you."
To Khon, "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
To mayor Valtteri, "I am Fyrus."
To the coppers, "I am Fyrus. Pleased to meet you."
Sudden awe filled the crowd.
"What the fuck is that thing?" Qig questioned out of nowhere.
"That there is one of the last ferretsaurus, and the creature I bred in a lab years ago, Fyrus. We're from 25 years in the future" Sciz answered.
"Nice to meet you" it said.
"Search the pod. Keep these two available for questioning" Qig commanded his suboordinates.
Ragont went over to cuff the both of them "and doooon't try getting out of these ones, dudes, they're pure titanium or some shit."
Officer K'nuckles spoke suddenly, "Oi lads, I foun' somethin' tha' mite be o' bloody interest."
It was a journal entitled "FIVE MAN JUNGLE JAM, SCIZ'S ADVENTURES IN THE OUTER GALAXY."
"Give it to me. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW COME ON FUCKING GO" qig shouted. "and put my helmet on."
K'nuckles takes the book, and grabs a rather large motorcycling helmet, almost two sizes too big.
Sciz suddenly remembers, "That's right, I need all the pieces of my great katana, the SUPA BAD DONDONEE. Have you guys seen any of 'em?"
"Sometin' mighta fallin' in my house last night" Khon told him.
"Oh good! Ye- good good good we'll need that!" Sciz shouts happily. "Find them for me and bring them to the lab when you can! I'll try and fix this mess in no time."
The cops drag him to the mothership for an interrogation session. With rather large whips.
THEN A FUCKING THING HITS FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TOWn
FUCKING TO BE CONTINUED
