I'm Looking back, and it's Painful

Superiorstar · Postby **Superiorstar** » Sat Sep 08, 2018 6:12 am

Hey guys, it's me, you know me, some of you, at least. it is pretty hard to make this, and I can't find anywhere else to put it.....
You know me, you know I'm a flawed person, you know I have a very troublesome history, you know I've did some dumb stuff in the past, got in interesting situations, and made some bad mistakes, I've done stuff that makes others upset on multiple occasions....

I've done so many toxic, idiotic things that I'm pretty much seen as a troll to some of you people. It's been one hell of a teenage life with this whole forum though, and all the back and forth topics and screenshots made it all the more interesting too. but I've been having trouble putting them behind me and I've been looking back at this place, my posts, my arguments, and most of my past experiences, and to think that not even half of it's made me grow as a person. I've been taught good things and bad things from a lot of the older users from here, and since it was my first time on the internet as a board user, It effected my impressionable mind at the time. it sort of hurts me knowing that this place messed me up yet taught me valuable lessons better than my parents could.
I remember my first board warning, my first downrep, and my first BAN, I remember how PAINFUL it was to be hated and ostracized, but unfortunately I've been hated so many times at this point, that the longer I seriously care about it, I no longer seem to care. You see, it may not look like it, but my reputation is what I live for. a ban might not be much to a normal person, and at first it does nothing to me, but then it gives me tons of anxiety, like TONS of it. my anxiety doesn't leave normally though. The best way I can put it... trying to get rid of my anxiety makes my empathy levels go down. I'm sorry to anyone who my hurt by my unreasonable tongue lashings or odd behavior altogether.
The thing is, the odd behavior isn't from normal circumstances either, for a lack of better wording, I'd say "it's to have people notice me" but I've fucked it up a couple of times, some of you have seen what it looks like, and trust me that's not the real me, as much as you would like to think otherwise. Regardless I'm taking full responsibility for my actions, and I think I haven't said this enough, but I'm sorry..

I am VERY sorry.

Now that I'm in college and the many strains of school that hinder me are no longer here, I think I'm going to come back to the forum a bit, with a new coat of paint hopefully. that being said, It's been a good 4 years and two of them I barely posted here, but hopefully I can reintroduce myself if it's not too late, maybe learn some restraint, learn how to respect people's opinions more, and finally make peace with myself.