An Story That takes Place In Your Head

[Quill]

Is this a story, or a script? Script writing is a big no no. Also, listing someone as Person 1, 2 etc isn't really that interesting!

The plot also doesn't really make much sense and there's a lot of incorrect tenses in sentences.

For example:

Your world has forgotten what true beauty is, isn't it?

I believe you're looking for 'hasn't it?'

Your punctuation is good at least, so good job with that. Improve on these things and your writing will be much better.